…the interview

Ive always thought about what i would say and do while at my medical school interview. That interview can either make you or just simply break you, so theres a lot riding on it, but i hate how everything is so damn systematic these days. If you say the right things, say what they want to hear then you will get the job, the internship, and etc. I hate knowing that fact that one has to act a certain way, to get what they want. What happened to one being themselves and letting the cards fall where they may? Maybe this is my introverted, ethical side coming out, but if i decide to do anything in life i want to know that it happened because i was being sincere and authentic. I was watching Taxi Driver, and Robert DeNiro was asked “what bugs you about the world?” He paused for a bit, said nothing really, but then he countered and said “actually it would be nice to clean up all these streets of the scum and trash thats around here. You know sometimes i get a headache from the smell, from being around it so much.” I got the feeling that was he was referring more to the people of New York at the time, than rather the actual garbage that was around. This struck me for ive always felt the same about the world; that there was a certain degree of fakeness about the system that wants professionalism and order at all times of the day. At a later part in the movie, Robert De Niro is angry at Betsy for not returning any of his calls because of some misunderstanding they had at the movie theatre days prior. When leaving he says something like this “youre just like the rest of them…cold and distant”. Kinda harsh to say to someone, but the truth is that this is applicable to the majority of people, not just her. One misunderstanding and people are so quick to drop each others like flies now-a-days that is why i will not let society get the best of me and i will fight the system. Now how does this relate to medical school…well ive always wondered what i would say, or do since i want to be unique and sincere, and well ive figured it out. I will be honest when they ask me, well what happened to undergrad? what happened to your post-bacc(assuming its still that bad at that point in my life)? And well i will say “Life happened. From age zero to age 19 i was fighting the tyrant that i call a father, i was fighting his demons. When i realized i couldnt fight that war anymore, i moved out, and from that point on i started fighting a different type of war, a spiritual war. This war consisted of only one person though, and throughout the next couple of years i was fighting the fight that oh so few of us decide to take on and that is facing the demons that we all have inside. Im still fighting that war as I speak, and not one day passes on that i can avoid it, well except with a couple of beers here and there, but its definitely something that has consumed me the majority of my time since i decided to move out. Ive learned several things since the day ive moved out, but one quote that says a lot is this “The world is only as big as your biggest problem” and my biggest problem has been me. My whole life outlook is a very positive one, i hope for a better world – a utopian world to sum it up, but with this outlook comes the letdowns, the depression, the questioning of ones self, the questioning of ones goals, because the world isnt as you hope it to be. People are selfish, period, and the world is unfair, i understand this…but this does not mean we should accept this as the norm and lower the standards for how people interact with each other. People are depressing, life is depressing, it really is and many of us tend to ignore teh reality of it all and just move forward with their imperfections; hurting everyone along the way because they cant face themselves and the rather nasty reality of the world. I dont blame people for being the way they are but rather i blame the society that we live in, the selfish idea of profit and what not, but besides this point, people go their whole lives not facing their own demons and because of it people are hurt along the way, and from pain comes hate, love does too though, but the majority of the time more hate than anything else. Some things in life we cant change, and fix, but things like resentment and just negativity are things that we as people can control. So moving out was the beginning of my war. I moved out for i wanted a better environment for my girlfriend and I. I learned about the mess that having a landlord is, about the mess that the workplace is, about the business that we tend to call universities, about the worlds disregard of those without a title, and once again about the damage that one can inflict on someone else when they themselves havent faced their own demons. I am referring to my girlfrined cheating on me with that last one. Oh man…that one threw me for a loop. I knew strangers could be unfair and cruel, but that experience taught me that it isnt those who you dont know who cause the most hurt, but rather the ones who are the closest to you. Shit man…that was a rough time. Thats when i failed the second part of general chemistry. Moving on from that though…all of undergrad and even now, has been one big search of what just clicks for me, what gets me moving….what motivates me. I know now that i want to help people, i want to serve them and be completely honest and sincere when doing so. I can say most of the time I am at peace with myself, but its really hard staying based though. Different things tend to pull you away from your foundation, and thats when we find ourselves envying our pals new ride, our ex’s wedding, etc. Thats when we allow other people expectations of us actually affect us and make us do things that we otherwise wouldnt do if sane and based. I have my regrets, we all do, but now i try to stay based as much as possible because i know that way i am able to hurt the least amount of people possible and I am able to find happiness in the little things that should matter, but many of us do take for granted. Ive always been fighting myself, and I still am, but now i think Is the right time for me to take this step in my life, for medical school. Life is damn fucking ugly, but i will not just turn the other cheek because “ignorance is bliss”, and i will face the problem at hand. Thats the only way to approach things and to progressively keep on improving on things. I have questioned this life path, i wont deny it. Theres a lot about it that i dont like. What dont you like? Well how far away we’ve strayed from the point of practicing medicine. We should follow medicine because we want to help others, period, but instead we have doctors with terrible bedside manners, we have a system that is set up not for the quality of patient care, but rather the quantity. We dont like to hear people whine, so we would rather shut them up by pushing pills down their throats than actually listening and solving the problem. Yes people will whine, but what most dont understand is that people just want to be acknowledged, recognized as human individuals. LIke i said, they will always whine, but if we as doctors allow them to know that we do care, not only about their physical problem at hand but their overall being emotionally, and spiritually, i can guarantee you there will be a whole lot less whining. No one likes to be treated like a number, like another cycle of a revolving door, but thats exactly whats fucking wrong with all our systems now a days. Our medical, and judicial systems….systems that are in place to serve the people, but instead have been degraded down to fractions of what they once were. Greed, and corruption has creeped through…and actually for way too long now, and that doesnt fly with me, I will not allow that to happen in my presence. Someone once told me, “the trick isnt actually being busy, but giving it the illusion that you are busy. Thats how you get into med school.” So theres a method of getting into med school now? Theres a process that one can follow? Umm no, i dont do lifeless, misguided processes that allow people to lose sight of their passion, their foundation and instead instill this idea of “if i beat the next person in front of me, I will get where I want to be”. Up until this point in my life, Ive done things at my own pace, at my own liking and pleasure,  but only because thats the only way i know how to keep my sanity, and continue being happy with the everyday aspects of life. I enjoy the ishhh out of playing basketball, i enjoy drinking with friends and just being complete goofballs and just letting go. I love camping and being one with nature. I love sitting at Starbucks as I am now and laughing at the people who havent understood that doors to buildings open outwards not inward due to customer safety. I bust up laughing every time someone decides to push and all that they get is a “boonnkkk” lol Life is funny that way, yes cruel, but its like they say, its all about perspective. Finding out what makes you happy, what makes you mad, what motivates you, what depresses you…all in all, finding out who you are as a person is what lifes all about, and sooner we are able to realize that the sooner we will be able to progress as a society of people living under the social contract that governs us people. Yeah, im not going to sit here and tell you that ive been motivated since day 1. Hell, i cant even tell you that im motivated to be here sitting with you guys…because like i said once again its just part of a process, of a cycle that at the end of the day tends to lose its foundation, but i respect that youre doing your best at attempting to scale the applicants trying to get into your program. Im not sure if this type of interview, or should i say lecture on my part is conventional but its the only way i know how to portray myself to you. Thats the point of an interview in the end. Answering questions can give you parts and pieces, but it cant accomplish that if the applicant is more worried about “acing” the interview by giving you what you want to here. I know how to show you who i am, not by answering questions, but by being honest and sincere with what ive come to learn about life. The only question i should ever expect out of you interviewers is this “Why medical school?” and figuring out our own lives and what we want out of it is the single most important thing one can do for themselves. Period. Not just for medical school but for yourself as a person. I love life, i really do, but one can only know love if one knows hate. At one point in my life i hated it….i hated all of it, and because of it I almost killed myself. Junior year of high school it was and ending it seemed like the only answer at the time. So glad i didnt, and because of it I am now able to sit here and live life the way i want to, with freedom and peace. With love and positivity…with a need to start my family asap, but not before I am able to set myself up for success, and the only way i can see that happening is by me becoming a doctor. No other occupation would fulfill more than this and would allow me to change the world as I see fit. This is the only way, this is my only path, and ive sacrificied a lot to get to this point in my life. Nothing will deter me from it….i am a man of two strings, one composed of passion and the other honesty. That is what i expect to portray, and thats what i also expect from others. I believe i understand life now, and look (insert medical school name), you can choose to admit me or not, but some school will admit me and i will represent them to the best of my abilities, to whatever limits my heart can withhold and let me tell you I have a pretty damn big heart 🙂 Thank you for your time and now i have a salsa class to attend to”

– I live my life under my time….time is the most precious thing in the world, and i will not allow others to waste it because of their shortcomings. Love you life


the crossroads?…

Ive been lost lately. I cant find my motivation for working, i cant find anything worth striving for. I have this vision of changing the world…this vision of changing the way people interact with other; on a more sincere and humane level at least. With that said, i dont know whats lacking from my life right now. Do i need to volunteer more, and put my big heart to work? Do i need to find at least one other person who i can truly connect with in order for me to function correctly; someone to vent to, to confide to, to show weakness to? Whether it being a brother or my wifey who i can fight the world with? Perhaps i just dont want to feel so alone in this fight of mine? Its like they say, its easy going with the crowd, but its hard staying put and being the only one who believes in something. Its currently 2:54 in the morning, its Friday and i have my cellular bio final on Monday. I am at risk of failing, but i dont know, i kinda just dont care. I am about to almost graduate too, but even facing that frontier seems daunting. The idea of going to the peace core after graduation seems ideal, but then i have this feeling of not being ready for that step just yet, i feel like im missing something. Perhaps, subconsciously, I always want to feel ready for whatever comes next and im just being a little bitch about things or just maybe im supposed to feel this way for this is what society has turned into; a place where people lose all humanity due to the cruel rules of the world. 

Im currently listening to lana del rey and her track born to die, and ive probably mentioned this before, but its so true….the sooner we accept our death the sooner we will be able to do things with our lives….have i not then accepted my death yet? Am i being hopefu. l of something more, or should the only hope i hold onto is that of my grave? So many rules and social pressures that we as people have to abide to now a days. People arent killing themselves, its this social sonstruct of society that is killing people. That’s the issue that we must address if we as people wish to move forward…nonetheless, back to a more personal and emotional problem, i think i need more people who i can call my brothers and sisters, and are willing to fight that fight with me. Its one thing me calling them my family, but its a whole another story when they reciprocate it. Perhaps, this is my sulky Leo side kicking in…the one that isnt getting enough attention and because of it turns to whining…