The inner workings of my mind…

     I am currently in my introverted mode. When problems arise in my life, i pull back and think. I try reasoning things out. Here is my current dilemma. So i do not know whether i’m being a little bitch about a girl i can’t figure out, or whether I actually ache for some companionship in my life. My previous post speaks about this girl i call Rose and that dilemma, but here’s another. I broke up with my ex about 15 months ago over the fact that i wasn’t able to balance having a girlfriend and trying to succeed in my classes. My whole college career was being put into question over this relationship and i had to end it for she became so engulfed in it that it started affecting her grades. She is now in her internship program about to become a full fledged Dietitian and make bank. Nonetheless, this is why i broke up with her. The last year was a learning process in my study habits, and this past quarter i made the most progress by ending up with straight B’s! That may not sound great to you, but motivation and studying does not come easy to me. I was pushed against a wall last quarter, and i was ready to call it quits and abort, but instead I decided to bite the bullet and just work. I cried and feared for my future like never before, and i put in all that i could put in. In the end, i pulled out the best grades ive ever gotten. It was definitely a huge learning curve, and it built my confidence tremendously. With that said, my classes this quarter have given me a lot more time to study, but I am definitely not on top of it like i should. My goal is to upgrade what i did last quarter and get straight A’s this quarters, but im nowhere where i should be mentally and in my studies. Its still week 3, but like previously stated that is not my current dilemma. For in case you forgot what my current dilemma was ill state it again. I dont know whether I’m being a little bitch about a girl i cant figure out or whether I actually ache for some companionship.

   Always have i been a hopeless romantic, but every since my last real girlfriend ive never been the same. I have been bitter toward woman, and as some females like to say “im a woman hater” or a misogynist like feminists like to label on men. I have been bitter but not for bad reason. I was once very romantic, sincere, and passionate about the dates that my girlfriend and I would go on. I lived for her, and if she was happy I was too. This person i had found made me a better person to the point that i decided to move out of home and into my own place so that we could have our own place to stay at and what not. Well in this process of me figuring things out, she decided it would be a good idea to cheat. Yes that happened, and it destroyed me. It destroyed my innocence and charisma, my love for romantic evenings with the one i adored so dearly. Ever since then ive had glimpses of my past self, but never have i been the same. With that said, there was a change in the waves of love when i started chasing Rose. She did not directly respond to whenever i flirted or attempted a pass at her walls, and she definitely restored my faith in classy women for thats how i saw her, a classy lady. Ever since then, i am confused at whether the turmoil in my heart and the agitation at my lack of inner peace is because of this specific lady I had the pleasure of meeting, or whether its just my heart starting to beat again. Whether my romantic nature and need or want of a companion is what i really need in this stage of my life. I dont know which one it is, and I am confused. Rose is different, ill tell you that, and shes playing one hell of a game with my emotions. Have i fallen way too hard for the “idea” of a potential mate that can possibly give me the distance i need to succeed in my classes, but at the same time the companion i feel i need? Or is my heart really tired of being bitter and is ready to become vulnerable again? I feel pain for this is a important issue to me, but currently i do not know what to do. Once again…le sighhh

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