my truth

She:

You put up this front that youre a tough guy and you have women all figured out; but you have no idea. I think youre scared of getting hurt again, and thats why you alays have your guard up thats why you dont let anyone in, but at some point you have to let it down…

My response to her text:

What women want is simple…a gentleman. A man who can put his foot down when he has to, but at the same time is gentle. My guard has been down for a while…there’s no need keeping it up. Let me tell you this though…

…the same sweet guy that was before Katie is still there. I can feel him aching for love…aching for legit affection. Lately my biggest battle hasn’t been one with school, but with my heart. It wants to feel…
Pain or love, whatever but it wants to feel again. But once again, I need to finish my schooling, and with that there it will never allow me to fully focus on someone like the way i want to…like i said, i dont half ass things….I believe in passion and that’s  how I want to love my significant other. So yes that’s my problem…I have a conflict of interests
Theres nothing else to me than that…sweet little Edwin is there, he aches for love…but I cannot for I fear hurting someone else again like I hurt Katie when we broke up

I was born to help, not hurt…i was born to lift people, not bring them down like my dad did to me when i was a mere child. I shedded a tear just now…

I cant even hold a baby because i fear that I’ll hurt it somehow…

*I cannot give up my schooling because the reason why i broke up with Katie was because of it. I wanted to attend medical school and become a physician and if i don’t accomplish that our break up will have been in vain, it would have been for nothing but an illusion. And that i cannot allow to happen.* [this is what i haven’t shared to the rest of the world]

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…my war

     My fight is a spiritual one. I am a warrior fighting to turn the tide on this individualistic ideology that today’s day n’ age is teaching. I’m not talking about religions and all that, but rather a unity of people for people. A brotherhood and sisterhood of people fighting against all the things that just aren’t right in today’s society…we’ve forgotten the point of having a medical system, a judicial system, and a government. Instead now a days the only thing people think about is how i can sue someone else, or how i can tweak the rules to my advantage to i can get ahead….things just arent right. It’s late,  i need to get back to my studies.

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“So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that’s not what I actually needed.

What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered. I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad.”

― John Green

“So often we tr…

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The inner workings of my mind…

     I am currently in my introverted mode. When problems arise in my life, i pull back and think. I try reasoning things out. Here is my current dilemma. So i do not know whether i’m being a little bitch about a girl i can’t figure out, or whether I actually ache for some companionship in my life. My previous post speaks about this girl i call Rose and that dilemma, but here’s another. I broke up with my ex about 15 months ago over the fact that i wasn’t able to balance having a girlfriend and trying to succeed in my classes. My whole college career was being put into question over this relationship and i had to end it for she became so engulfed in it that it started affecting her grades. She is now in her internship program about to become a full fledged Dietitian and make bank. Nonetheless, this is why i broke up with her. The last year was a learning process in my study habits, and this past quarter i made the most progress by ending up with straight B’s! That may not sound great to you, but motivation and studying does not come easy to me. I was pushed against a wall last quarter, and i was ready to call it quits and abort, but instead I decided to bite the bullet and just work. I cried and feared for my future like never before, and i put in all that i could put in. In the end, i pulled out the best grades ive ever gotten. It was definitely a huge learning curve, and it built my confidence tremendously. With that said, my classes this quarter have given me a lot more time to study, but I am definitely not on top of it like i should. My goal is to upgrade what i did last quarter and get straight A’s this quarters, but im nowhere where i should be mentally and in my studies. Its still week 3, but like previously stated that is not my current dilemma. For in case you forgot what my current dilemma was ill state it again. I dont know whether I’m being a little bitch about a girl i cant figure out or whether I actually ache for some companionship.

   Always have i been a hopeless romantic, but every since my last real girlfriend ive never been the same. I have been bitter toward woman, and as some females like to say “im a woman hater” or a misogynist like feminists like to label on men. I have been bitter but not for bad reason. I was once very romantic, sincere, and passionate about the dates that my girlfriend and I would go on. I lived for her, and if she was happy I was too. This person i had found made me a better person to the point that i decided to move out of home and into my own place so that we could have our own place to stay at and what not. Well in this process of me figuring things out, she decided it would be a good idea to cheat. Yes that happened, and it destroyed me. It destroyed my innocence and charisma, my love for romantic evenings with the one i adored so dearly. Ever since then ive had glimpses of my past self, but never have i been the same. With that said, there was a change in the waves of love when i started chasing Rose. She did not directly respond to whenever i flirted or attempted a pass at her walls, and she definitely restored my faith in classy women for thats how i saw her, a classy lady. Ever since then, i am confused at whether the turmoil in my heart and the agitation at my lack of inner peace is because of this specific lady I had the pleasure of meeting, or whether its just my heart starting to beat again. Whether my romantic nature and need or want of a companion is what i really need in this stage of my life. I dont know which one it is, and I am confused. Rose is different, ill tell you that, and shes playing one hell of a game with my emotions. Have i fallen way too hard for the “idea” of a potential mate that can possibly give me the distance i need to succeed in my classes, but at the same time the companion i feel i need? Or is my heart really tired of being bitter and is ready to become vulnerable again? I feel pain for this is a important issue to me, but currently i do not know what to do. Once again…le sighhh

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…the feud with a Scorpio…

     I met a girl while on a trip to Honduras. We will call her Rose(yes, sheer coincidence that the girl from Titanic was also called Rose. I just chose the first name that came to mind). We were there for a medical brigade and we helped about 1400 patients in the span of five days. It was an amazing trip and about 60 of us came together and immediately became family. Well not everyone, for some had their rough patches, but in the end we became one. Amazing experience, one that ill never forget, but there was one girl that really caught my eye. Here’s the story. Two schools landed in Honduras and we both had a joint brigade so in a way we were forced to get to know each other. The first night of getting to know the country, the compound in which we were staying at, and the people who were there with us we decided to get together and play Kings Cup. What better way of getting to know each other than by drinking huh lol

     Nonetheless it was a great night, and even though she was the prettiest out of the bunch by far, actually the prettiest girl i had seen in a while I payed her no attention. I was there for one purpose and that was to help the people of Honduras. I had no prior experience with pressure cuffs, stethoscopes, but i have a big heart so i was ready to do anything in my power to help others. The days passed and like always i don’t stay in one spot to create conversation. I jump around from clique to clique, inserting my own playfulness, and then move along. That’s what i do…i’m not one to create conversation for the only thing on my mind most of the time is a philosophical debate about different pov’s or a grateful internal appreciation for the environment im in; for the people i have around and for the smiles and laughs that are beings shared. I live for authentic moments, and i try my best not to overlook these moments. Nonetheless, this girl and I had our moments where we would interact, share a few laughs, but like always i would mind my own business and move on. I really liked her energy though, for she was focused at the task at hand as well. Physical beauty is one thing, but internal beauty is a whole different story. This is where i got caught up and fell mesmerized a few days later.

     We were there for a week so ill try to identify my interactions with her on a daily basis. The first four days of interactions with this girl were pretty nonchalant for me. I didnt think much of them and its funny because on day 2 we had triage together…
(we worked in rotations and every day we had a half-day of two stations: either Triage, Consultation, Pharmacy, Dental, Data Informatics and one more which i cannot recall for i never was placed in it. Triage in this case was where the patients came in and we as volunteers took their symptoms and family history for the doctor to later use in their diagnoses.)
…and on one occasion when she had finished taking the patients blood pressure, i stated “Rose, you have officially been un-friendzoned” and even though i did mean it I said it in a very playful manner. That day we talked, laughed and just shared a moment. I didn’t think much of it though. For the rest of that day, and day 3, and 4 we had moments where yes i would intentionally cross her path but only because i wanted her attention. I liked her energy and i’m all for making friendships full of positive people. Yes i do admit that i would go on her bus just to see her again, i was interested but still my mind was set on helping people of Honduras first and foremost. Ain’t nobody got time for that love stuff!! haha At the end of day 4 though we both entered the bus at the same time, and i kinda hinted that we should sit together. We did, but once again i made nothing of it. We were two people vibing it out and it was nice. Talking is not always communication and i will always prefer having someone next to me who im comfortable with, but doesnt need to say a word for me to understand them. There’s a certain tranquility and peace that can be reached with this type of interaction, and once this level of comfort is attained you have made a friend for life. Back to the story though, i dont want to go on a philosopical tangent like i tend to do when telling a story. We sat together, and then made a quirky remark at the two hour drive back to our compound that awaited us. I believe i said “i would normally talk, but im tired and we can always talk another day.” It had been a long day, and i just wanted us to cuddle while attempting to nap on the way back. Her next response surprised me and it was at this moment where my clear-headedness went into a downward spiral. She said “how about we talk right now?” and this clearly was her first real hint that there was more than just a potential friendship.

     We talked for the next two hours and conversation just flowed. We shared personal stories, laughed, and had just a really authentic moment. After that bus ride, everything i had set my mind on went berserk and an influx of new possibilities arose. Day 5 came into light, and i was bothered by my lack of peace of mind. This girl had injected a small dosage of interest, and this idea of it being more than just friends was starting to plague my mind. It bothered me that i was in Honduras, where people needed my help, and all i could think about was this girl that had walked into my life all of a sudden. I cannot recall what moment that day cleared my head, but i think…actually scratch that. Now i recall what cleared my head. That day i had my rotation of Triage again, i was one of very few Spanish speakers so i was put on the front lines as translator for the GMB fam bam in that station for that rotation. Nonetheless, in between taking patient vitals and finding out their reasons for being there, Nav, Peachey, and I shared a very unique and sincere moment. We shared personal stories of struggle, about ourselves, our parents, our pasts, etc and that was the first moment i shedded a tear on the brigade. I live for real moments like those, and i couldnt help but love and respect those two for the authentic humane moment we all shared. People now a days hide behind their walls, and are always wary of others and how they might harm them. I dont blame people for its a natural defense-mechanism, but in that moment none of that existed. We shared a very real moment and i cant even start to express how much i genuinely love them for that. From this moment, all my feelings were flushed out and i regained my clear-headedness. I was so thankful for everything i had, for everything i was working for, but more importantly for being given the opportunity to come on this brigade and not only meet new people, but help those who dearly need it. I regained my purpose for being there, and Rose was just another person again. We interacted for the next couple of days, people noticed, and once again i lost with the idea of us being more than just friends. On day 6, the day before we got on our flights and headed back to the states, there was a lot of turbelence within me. It was a combination of things and obviously one was the situation with Rose, but the other i believe was the fact that things were coming to an end. The life i had come to love was near its end, and this truly did bother me for at the moment in time I truly did feel like i had found my niche in life. I looked through the bars that looked out into the school patio, and it truly was a beautiful day. The branches on the trees just swayed back and forth, and neither was the day hot or cold. It was perfect weather for a perfect brigade. At the end of the day, the last day we would go through our rotations before setting off, we all gathered for a very unique moment ill never forget. All 60 of us Brigaders, and the rest of the GMB staff coralled us into a room with another young man we did not know. As Dr. Oliaro explained, this young man of age 18 had a failing liver, and if nothing was done this young man with aspirations of one day becoming an enginner he would eventually die. I thought of my brother at that moment, and what i would do if my brother had that same diagnosis. On the ride back to the compound i cried my eyes out like i hadnt done in a very long time. I stayed away from Rose. I was not going to ball in her presence. Nonetheless, that moment was unique for it brought that whole week, and everything I had experienced together. I was clear on what we wanted from life, and now it was my turn to go get it.
That night we had a fiesta to celebrate the week, the moment, the people, the feelings. I had every intention of dancing with Rose, and having that night be the deciding factor on whether i would pursue Rose once we headed back to the states. Later that night, when we were among the routy bunch of drunks including my tipsy self, I asked her if she had a boyfriend and what she wanted. She said she didnt, but that she was looking to stay single for now. That was my queue, and even though attraction was there the timing just wasn’t. Bummed i was, but i was content with everything. Beautiful week I had experienced with my newly found GMB family, and the hopes of pursuing Rose were nill. The next morning came, we all woke up for our daily 6am breakfast and we sat together. It was just another moment we were experiencing, and i was content with being by her side. We all dread farewells, and this one was no different. As both schools walked to their respective buses, and we all said our goodbyes she once again pulled a fast one on me. I already had her number, but she deliberately gave me her instagram and snapchat name. She even put an alarm on my phone with those profile names attached to it. She was clearly telling me “stay in touch”. Any possibilities that i had previously squashed now rose from the depths of my heart. It was clear she saw something in me, and stage 2 of our relationship had begun, the chase.
We got back home and i gave it a day before i decided to text her something simple that did not create conversation, but still showed her she was on my mind. She replied with vivaciousness, with an emoji here and there, and to my delight she started the conversation with a “what are you up to!”. We talked, and things started off well. On the 23rd of December, three days after we had gotten back from our Brigade she told me she was profusely stressed over finding a PS4 two days before xmas. Obviously im going to offer my help, I’ll do anything at this point to gain her affection, and i started hitting up my connections. I did find a PS4 and even though she only had 400 in cash and the person who was selling it wanted 550 for it I definitely didnt mind paying the difference and telling her he had lowered it 480 after i had spoken to him. I told her she could pay me back whenever she could, and honestly i never expect to see that money. I never do when I help those i hold close to my heart. Money is the devil, and it can divide the bestest of friends, and even those we call family. Point being in all of this, was that i would do anything for her as the chase always leads us men to do.
Later that night, i raced her to my house where I would give her the PS4 she wanted for her brother and father. I took advantage of the moment, and asked her out to a movie that night, but she claimed she was tired so i conceded(even though i shouldnt have). We had a very nice moment, we laughed, and she made her physical presence felt by touching my arm on several occasions. The connection was clear. She drove off and that was that. My interest was at its highest.
Xmas passed, and as conversation diminished as it always does with text, I asked her when she would be available for that movie that she owed me, and she said “probably after new years”, im pretty busy right now. Okay, thats fine, but as the days passed her effort in getting back to me was less and less. Every here and there she would throw a blushing emoji at me that would rekindle my effort in fighting for her. Days passed, and my insides became to proclaim civil war. I was in mass confusion and i didnt know what to do. I then resorted to the zodiac in search for some answers. I came along this piece that spoke about Leo men chasing scorpio women, and that piece read me inside out. It spoke about my confusion, it spoke about my admiration for this gal, but it also spoke of the Scorpios tendency to create distance at times. It stated to accept it, but keep on fighting because these gals need to earn your trust before they reveal anything personal. I am introverted by nature, and i know perfectly well of this distance we tend to create. So i understood and continued to pursue in hope of a better day. I now started to force the issue. I now started to text her even though she hadnt texted me back or replied to my last message. This is not what i do. This is not how i operate. I am used to females doing that to me and therefore I am then able to control the flow of the relationship, but this time around the tables had flipped. I was at her disposal, and i became vulnerable. Any rules I had established about dating women were thrown out, and i was in mass confusion. Actually i still am, thats why im blogging about it, but ill get to that. I started asking myself “Is she just not interested, or is this part of her personality that i will have to get used to?”. I listened to what i wanted to hear and just resonated with the “thats how she is”. I tried not being habitual with my texts, and i would call her to make small talk. All of this was against my nature, and one day i got fed up and decided to make a stand for myself. I asked her out once again, even though she never got back to me about her availability, and surprisingly she said yes. This brought me back to life, and all i could think about was that date and how vital it was. I asked her out on wednesday, and the date/hang-out was on saturday. It gave me a couple of days in between to prep and plan an evening that i believed we would both enjoy. The end of the week approached and finally Saturday hit. The big day had come and around 10:30ishh in the morning i texted her about what to wear for the evening. I was to pick her up at 7. The hours passed and no reply. Doubt started to settle in, and was wondering if all my effort in planning the evening out would go in vain. I told myself i would give her the benefit of the doubt and that she was probably busy doing something else. Four pm came around and still nothing. I text again saying “hello are you alive?” and secs later i see the replying dots on iphone. “Okay, finally!” and as fast as those three damn dots appeared they soon disappeared and there was no reply. Okay, what the fuck! Not cool Rose! As i was ignited in anger and frustration, moments later she replied that a family emergency had come up and she would not be able to partake in the evening i had planned for us both. At this point, I did not know whether to believe her or not, but part of me had decided on giving this woman the benefit of the doubt for she was not the average woman, she was “special”. I let my steam pass away and i made the best of tha evening by chilling with my homie. We had a pretty dope road trip all around SoCal that night. Anyways, back to my feud with Rose. So that happened and im not going to initiate another date. She has to come to me. I had planned a GMB reunion in Big Bear that following weekend so i saw no point in asking her out again, when we had that planned.
Well the reunion came, and things were interesting to say the least. The connection that i had once felt was no longer there, and instead of paying me attention she was rather fond of her phone. She was rather interested in talking and being affectionate with everyone else but me. Usually i would fight fire with fire, and strike back, but shes a “special one” like i still want to believe. The first night in the cabin we made out twice, but she was always the first one to leave the moment. Both nights we cuddled together, which i actually really enjoyed, and she seemed to not have any problem with it. Initially she would restrain and keep distance, but as the night progressed she would ease into it as would I. That weekend went by, and I just didn’t feel it anymore. I was at max vulnerability for she knew what i wanted, but I didnt have a clue about what she wanted. The goodbye was dry, and at that moment I called it quits. On the ride down the mountain, my buddie informed me that she told him that she was talking to him, but that it was difficult talking to him for he didnt occasionally reply. Oh, the irony it it all! I was done, ready to progress forward, but as soon as it ended it started all over again. She send a text saying “Its okay! Thanks![insert blushing emoji] btw, i definitely have your money in my backpocket so i guess i will have to drive over there next weekend!”

Fuck you!!!!!!!! I was done with your existence, but then you send a blushy face, and a clear message that you will have to see me again the following weekend! This shows some interest, but where the hell was that the whole weekend?!? I replied with a not a reply to her thanks but rather my own comment “You never actually know how tired you are until you get home, ready to knockout! haha”, then i sent another one replying to it “But its all good, look forward to seeing you you around my hood sometime soon, [insert smiling emoji]”. I ended the conversation, and later that evening she sent a snapchat of her in her tiara. She had a pageant event that evening since she is currently Miss Socal. Yeah yeah, shes miss socal…big deal. Youll find beauty everywhere, but personality and wits is a whole another ballgame. Currently though this gal’s wits have me turned inside out. I have no idea what to do anymore, and signs tell me to keep on working at it, but once again its defracting me from whats important and thats my schoolwork. This is currently my feud with a Scorpio woman, and she has this lion by the tail. I hate and love it…im lost, and confused, but also i do know that unconventional love is something i strongly believe in. Sighhh…

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