Reaching that "other" level…

I will admit to have used “caffeine” pills in the past. I have only done so to make up for my lack of study skills and discipline when it comes to academics though. I have heart. I have intensity and passion when it comes to the things i believe in, but studying all in itself is a whole different beast. I realized that this quarter when my back was to the wall and i had to study like i had never studied before. My back still faces the wall but just not as close as before. Now i believe i can breathe a bit, but perhaps thats what always gets me in trouble; the fact that i always think there will be more time, there will be another chance. But you know, sometimes there isnt and you have to take whats in front of you. Its not to say that you cant do certain things because of certain circumstances, that you cant achieve a dream because of where you grew up and what limitations have been presented upon, but what i am saying is that if the opportunity presents itself why not take it? There might be other opportunities but perhaps not one as opportune as this one, perhaps not as perfectly-timed as you might like them to be. Just maybe you might have to sacrifice some things for that next opportunity. I dont know…perhaps im just rambling here, but i for one want to take my opportunity and run with it. I want to be great,  I want to be known. I want to spread my wings and affect people with my positivity. I have a lot to offer people, and I know they have a lot to offer me as well. I have a lot of problems with the world of today, and when i say world i mean the people that inhabit it. There’s an art to being a person, and i believe its one thats in the process of being lost. Everything we do nowadays is either through a phone or a computer screen and we are losing that edge when it comes to simply meeting and talking to people. We are losing that human connection that makes us special, that human feel to things. We now post everything we do either via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. Why is this? Because we all like attention and simply want to know what others are doing. We are nosy creatures that like to socialize and i think because of this very human trait, we are at the same time shooting ourselves in the foot and inhibiting our people skills. We dont even know how to speak on a heart to heart basis without first having to play Battleship on each others insecurities. We are a fragile and weak species, but society pushes us to be “strong”, to never show emotion and vulnerability, and i think this is complete bullshit. People werent supposed to be driven by our own individual fears and into the realm of cyber-socialization, but rather we were supposed to prosper as a species, as people guided toward one goal: love and happiness. That’s what we were supposed to be aiming for, but now…i dont know know what people look for anymore. I bring all of this up, because i myself am trying to change the world. I am able to reflect on such a matter, and because i am frustrated with it, I only see fit that i do something about it. I have always been introverted, and with such a gift comes a lot of thinking and reflection. I have always hated talking to the majority of people because i could always feel the lack of sincerity, the lack of passion in their voice; the lack of inner peace. So i have always shy’ed away from people and basically just relied on those who have always been there for me since the beginning, family and friends who have become family. In the process of living and doing so, I came across this quite disturbing crossroad in my life. I started realizing that the world itself had been built on having qualities that were extroverted oriented. I hated talking just for the sake of talking. I hated the idea of filling up my transcript with internships/volunteer hours just for the sake of making it nice and plumpy. The one idea that just grinded my gears though was that of attaining “letters of recommendation”. One was expected to go walk up to a professor, put up a fake front, chat them up here and there, perhaps even work in their lab, and then at the end of the day ask for a nice and genuine straight from the heart letter of recommendation. First of all, the sheer selfishness in using someones reputation and credibility for the sake of your own good kills me on every single humanistic level possible. And secondly, wheres the damn authenticity in that? Whats the point if its all going to be treated like a machine where theres a 5 point plan on how to attain something required for graduate school? Theres nothing real to a machine.  I didnt come to college to find out that the world is also mechanized and ran by idiots who have no passion and course of action to help others but themselves, I came to college to find out about myself and in the process meet some damn great people. I came to college not to limit myself, but rather I came to college to unlock my potential and really grow within. What have i concluded? That i will have to change the world for its current state is no where close to us “pursuing our happiness”. I am working on certain inadequacies of mine, and also some self-esteem issues, but at the same time I am trying to be the beacon of energy and positivity that i know i am capable of being. People will label me as a “teachers pet”, as “arrogant, as “gay”, and perhaps some others things I have yet to hear, but these things will not deter me. I will find people who feel the same way about the world as i do, and i will build my army of spiritual warriors. I am being a spiritual warrior right now as i bleed out my thoughts and feelings onto this blog. I am aware though that my capabilities as a soldier of the people and for the people are restrained by my own fears, insecurities, and lack of focus. I know this for there is another level of spirituality and human existence that we can achieve and i have experienced it while on “caffeine” pills. Life becomes so much more simpler, but real at the same time. Things that shouldnt matter, dont, and things that do matter well do. Time becomes of the essence and everything is done in an effort to be as effective with ones actions as possible. Emotions bleed out like never before, and because of it theres no haze in the air, everything is as clear as day. A certain peace is found. Its this “other” level that i one day want to achieve on a daily basis, well of course without the aid of a compound. I know i can, it will just take a long and painfal process to truly find my inner peace. Im ready for it though…


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